Day 2: Going down if anywhere.

I got really anxious and low and bad last night and I cut my hair.

I took a pair of scissors and a handful of hair and - snip.

It was almost invigorating.

For a split second when I cut that handful of hair, I felt something.

It wasn’t the same anxiety adrenalin I am used to feeling.

It was a rush. I actually laughed. The breath I had been holding in when I cut that hunk of hair came out in a, “Hah! ha!”

My face in the mirror was smiling.

But the feeling didn’t last long. I even kept cutting but nothing happened.

I don’t know how to describe it. It was a pure feeling of excitement for the first time in over a year. But it was so short.

It was like striking a match. Or flicking a lighter. But the light went out right away. Image

But, I felt something.

When I relapsed and cut two days ago, it didn’t even do anything for me.

I didn’t feel that elation. That second of feeling I had when I snipped my hair is the first spike in feeling I’ve had in a long time.

Cutting used to do that for me. It had been 5 years and I relapsed. For what? Nothing. It didn’t even help me.

I don’t know how to explain my depression so let me tell you with a graph.

Image

Normally my feelings are well… depressed. Kept down. I can’t get above that depression line with the feelings. I just can’t feel the pure emotion.

felt that moment of excitement break through the depression line.

I haven’t felt pure emotion like that in so long. I already said that. But I can’t believe it.

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