I got really anxious and low and bad last night and I cut my hair.
I took a pair of scissors and a handful of hair and - snip.
It was almost invigorating.
For a split second when I cut that handful of hair, I felt something.
It wasn’t the same anxiety adrenalin I am used to feeling.
It was a rush. I actually laughed. The breath I had been holding in when I cut that hunk of hair came out in a, “Hah! ha!”
My face in the mirror was smiling.
But the feeling didn’t last long. I even kept cutting but nothing happened.
I don’t know how to describe it. It was a pure feeling of excitement for the first time in over a year. But it was so short.
But, I felt something.
When I relapsed and cut two days ago, it didn’t even do anything for me.
I didn’t feel that elation. That second of feeling I had when I snipped my hair is the first spike in feeling I’ve had in a long time.
Cutting used to do that for me. It had been 5 years and I relapsed. For what? Nothing. It didn’t even help me.
I don’t know how to explain my depression so let me tell you with a graph.
Normally my feelings are well… depressed. Kept down. I can’t get above that depression line with the feelings. I just can’t feel the pure emotion.
I felt that moment of excitement break through the depression line.
I haven’t felt pure emotion like that in so long. I already said that. But I can’t believe it.